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How I reclaimed my heart's care.

People will take good care of your heart when you’re taking the best care of your heart.


This is one of those lessons that’s been learned through thousands of tears.


And it’s taken me a long time to get it. I’m honestly just recently really getting this one.


And in finally getting this one, I’ll share what I did before I got it. Maybe you can relate.


When I’d feel a connection with someone, I’d do my best to be a great choice for them. I’d be supportive. I’d be nurturing. I’d be chill. I’d be flexible, open, kind, down, vulnerable, validating. And because I felt a connection and was doing all the things that feel natural to do toward someone I’m romantically drawn to, I would expect them to take good care of my heart in return because, I mean, how could they not? I was being so good to them.


And in this expectation, I wouldn’t be so clear about my intentions, boundaries and needs. I wouldn’t ask the questions to help me really see where someone was at. And if I did, I’d kinda just ignore what I didn’t want to hear and operate from the idea that if I keep being so good to them, then why wouldn’t they want to keep me around and grow beautiful love together?


I’d let carnal lust and my assumption that my heart was going to be taken care of as a reward for my good behavior dictate the speed in which I entered into intimacy. And I always got hurt. Each and every time I expected someone else to be the caretaker of my heart, I found myself feeling dumbfounded by how little they seemed to actually care.


And after going through this more times than I’d like to admit, it finally dawned on me that just because I’m down to take good care of someone’s heart, does not correlate with them being down to take good care of mine. I also saw that I was outsourcing that job. Like, it’s not my job to take good care of my heart, it’s yours. So get to it buddy boy.


And so I’ve learned this lesson now, many times over. And as I’ve been learning it, I’ve been asking myself, “what does it means to fully occupy the role of being my heart’s greatest caretaker?” There are two main ways I’ve discovered how to do this:


  1. To listen to my heart. Our emotional body is always always always letting us know when it feels safe and when it doesn’t. When I was expecting someone else to be the caretaker of my heart, when I would feel unsafe due to the other person’s behavior (which manifests as intense anxiety, and the feeling of wanting to jump out of my skin), I would want them to be the one to come forward and fix it, because I unconsciously put them in the role of being the caretaker of my heart. Instead of me realizing that I’m in an emotionally unsafe situation, and to instead ask myself, “how can I be the one to fix this, as the caretaker of my heart?” Which generally involves communicating truthfully and kindly, listening to where the other person is at, and then not allowing myself to hang around and emotionally invest if that person is not in a place to emotionally invest back into me.

  2. Get very clear on the purpose of my sexuality. I have recently put language to this, and how liberating it’s been to do so. By asking myself this question, I’ve discovered that at this point in my life (and this may not always be the case, but it is the case right now), the purpose of my sexuality is to build and nurture a meaningful bond with someone I care about, who also cares about me. It’s to support and explore closeness with someone who also wants to build a strong and steady relationship. It’s not for casual recreation. It’s not to gain someone’s attention or approval. It’s not just the thing to do on a third, fourth, or fifth date. It’s not to be given away lightly and easily. Basically, it’s not a cheap thrill. Because I have this language for myself now, as I’m getting to know people in a dating context, I can communicate this before entering into a sexual relationship. It very effectively filters out who’s not headed where I’m headed. Before I answered this question for myself, I would explore my sexuality with the people I had sexual chemistry with. That was literally the entire criteria. Ugh. Not good heart-caretaking hygiene for someone who emotionally attaches through physical intimacy. But it’s all good. I learned, and I’m doing things differently now.


By making sure that I’m the one who’s taking the greatest care of my heart, I find that my heart isn’t getting so brutalized on the connection journey. I’m catching misalignments quickly and I’m being treated with so much more respect than in times past.


Because once you really get that you can’t count on anyone to take care of your heart for you, that you can only see who is able and willing to take care of your heart with you, you just start doing things differently, and there’s no going back.


I’d love to hear anything you’d like to share about being your heart’s best caretaker, and if you feel like you could really use some support in this, because you find yourself dumbfounded by how little others are caring for your outrageously caring heart, you can book a session here.


I also want to mention that I’ve been really working away on this Love School and there are so many exciting things in the pipeline that I cant wait to start releasing as they become ready to share.


Thanks for being on this journey with me.


With love,

Halley

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